- It's easy to label a friend as "toxic" or "problematic" for undesirable behavior.
- But it can also lead to more friendship breakups and missed opportunities for connection.
- Author Danielle Bayard Jackson shared 9 types of "bad" friends — and how to deal with each one.
The term "toxic" is thrown around a lot to describe a friend's undesirable behavior, whether it's gossiping too much or always showing up late.
But Danielle Bayard Jackson, an author and friendship coach, told Business Insider that quick labels are rarely helpful.
"We so often conflate a mistake they made or habit they have with their character," Jackson said. It can be "dangerous" for our relationships because we "reduce a friend to the problem that she presents."
While Jackson believes in letting go of unhealthy friendships, she also feels that there's "so much content on opting out" online — and not enough about ways to potentially stay together.
In her forthcoming book "Fighting for Our Friendships" (out on May 7), Jackson discusses nine types of "bad" female friends she's heard her coaching clients complain about. She explains possible reasons the friend could behave that way — and approaches you can try before walking away.
1. The flaky friend
This friend is someone you can't make solid plans with or rely on in emergencies because you never know if they'll show up.
Jackson said there are a few explanations for this behavior — friends with ADHD can particularly struggle with forgetfulness, for example, though she clarified that it's "not an excuse to be unreliable."
The friend might also not realize how much their canceled plans impact you, especially if you always respond with "no worries!"
Jackson said that it might be time to leave the friendship if you feel like your needs are consistently unmet, especially after you've voiced your concerns.
2. The non-reciprocal friend
This friend makes you feel like you're in a one-sided relationship.
One explanation could be that your friend is neurodivergent and unaware of some social norms, Jackson said. She might also have different ideas about reciprocity than you do.
If you're always the one reaching out, that also might be because she fears rejection or appearing too clingy by texting first.
All of that considered, Jackson said it's fine to leave if you've made your desires for connection clear and still don't feel cared for.
3. The gossipy friend
The gossipy friend speculates about other people when they're not in the room. It makes you not trust her with your own secrets.
As mean-spirited as gossip can be, the motivation is often less nefarious, Jackson said. Your friend might be trying to bond with you, have her own insecurities, or just be bored with her own life.
She suggested a few ways to gently redirect these conversations. If the dynamic makes it hard to enjoy your time together, it's worth reevaluating the friendship.
4. The love-obsessed friend
The love-obsessed friend always has dating drama to fill you in on. This behavior is particularly grating if they disappear every time they're in a new relationship.
Jackson said this friend might be dealing with family or societal pressure to find a partner. And if they seem isolated in one particular relationship, it could be a sign of emotional abuse.
Jackson said it's a good idea to leave if the friend consistently makes you feel like a social placeholder during their single seasons.
5. The controlling friend
A controlling friend has trouble taking "no" for an answer, makes you feel guilty for disagreeing with them, and generally has issues with regulating their emotions.
As intense as this friend can be, Jackson said their behavior can stem from fear or anxiety. They might have less agency in other parts of their life, believing that your friendship is one of the few things they can control.
Jackson said it's worth trying to gently state your boundaries. If they don't make an effort to change, it's unhealthy to keep walking on eggshells.
6. The jealous friend
A jealous friend responds to your good news with sarcasm, dismissal, or criticism.
Jackson said that envy can come from a friend's fixed mindset, believing that you getting your dream job reduces her opportunity to do the same.
None of that means you have to tolerate rude behavior though. In the book, Jackson suggests a few ways to delicately approach this issue. If nothing changes, you can distance yourself for the time being.
7. The newly changed friend
The newly changed friend suddenly has new interests, friends, clothes, or anything else that makes you wonder if you're outgrowing each other.
Jackson said that these shifts might come from a friend experimenting with her identity, which is normal.
She encourages trying to find what you both still have in common, with one caveat: you should still feel safe around them. If your friend adopts world views that directly conflict with your identity or safety, Jackson said that's ample reason to quit the relationship.
8. The clingy friend
Jackson defines a clingy friend as needing frequent contact and reassurance.
Sometimes, she said, this can just boil down to a difference in attachment styles: if you're avoidant, a friend's texts might come off more anxious than they actually are. You might also have different communication styles or expectations of support in a friendship.
On a deeper level, Jackson said you might unknowingly be getting something out of this dynamic: she might depend on you for validation, while you rely on her to feel needed.
Jackson said you can try setting some boundaries. But if their needs distract from your other relationships or responsibilities, it could be time to move on.
9. The negative friend
The negative friend vents to you so much that you feel like an unpaid therapist.
Jackson said that a friend's trauma-dumping can come from habit. If you always respond with understanding, they likely feel comfortable doing it every time.
Jackson suggested listening to how you feel throughout your interactions. If you always dread calls because you feel exhausted after, that's a sign to step away.
