- I landed a gig writing porn scripts, allowing me to create strong, confident female characters.
- But in real life, I was too scared to approach men because I feared rejection.
- When I channeled my characters, I learned I can approach anyone because they can't take my power.
I juggled three boyfriends simultaneously when I was in middle school.
I asked them all out on Runescape, a multiplayer online game.
One kept me company while I mined for runes for my spellcraft; the second fought as a melee warrior, so we teamed up in the wilderness by stealthily ganging up on other players; and the third gave me a lot of valuable free stuff.
My female avatar was audacious, funny, and as open as a 13-year-old boy could be. I complimented my boyfriends' avatars and made mine blow lots of kisses.
I've failed to channel that confidence in my dating life ever since.
Now, as an adult gay man, I can't get myself to hit on people in public because I'm too scared of rejection. The only times I've met romantic partners in real life was when they approached me first. This self-imposed rule persisted until I found myself viewing the world through a woman's eyes once again — this time writing porn scripts.
I landed a gig writing scripts for porn
Adult film actress Hazel Grace, the owner of InMelanin Productions, hired me in 2021 to write porn scripts that were as entertaining as they were spicy. To break stereotypes and gender roles, she wasn't shy about letting me know when my characters and dialogue bordered on predictable.
Beyond flipping the script on a man lusting after a woman first for them to have sex, I aimed for new narratives. Why can't a wife be the one to sleep with her husband's secretary? Why can't a man be a housekeeper or a woman the horny president?
I concocted plots with daring women who had the confidence and sex appeal of "Batman's" Poison Ivy — except a kiss was the beginning of the sex scene instead of their partner's doom.
Meanwhile, I struggled to translate that confidence into my dating life
While I created confident, dominant characters in my scripts, I approached my dating life differently.
My friends and I loved going to bars to pick up men, but I typically ended up as the wingman to their conquests because I couldn't face the possibility of rejection.
I used to think going home empty-handed was better than risking rejection. I often imagined making a fool of myself, trying to profess my attraction to someone. Why couldn't I lead with a compliment or relevant observation and then pivot into an engaging conversation? I wish I knew.
More importantly, I worried about how they would respond because someone's reaction to being approached in public was unpredictable and situational.
Writing porn scripts was like role-play for the kind of person I wanted to be — at least when it came to the art of flirtation.
When it came to porn scripts, I challenged myself. Men were shy; women had a poker face. There was more excitement when the conquest wasn't easy. Crafting this dynamic dialogue between fictitious strangers made me think about how I would approach people in real life.
I then faced my fear of rejection head-on
My job in writing porn scripts manifested as a masterclass in interacting with hot strangers.
I realized I wasn't a shy person at all; instead, I was worried I'd lose some of my power if I confessed to being sexually interested in someone. But by channeling my characters, I realized no one can take my power. I can approach someone and have an engaging conversation no matter what.
Once I focused on just making conversation, my anxiety lessened; the worst that could happen was a polite — or boring —conversation.
The different dialogue variations in my scripts encouraged me to channel this boldness into my life. From that, I realized I didn't need to hit on people with my heart on my sleeve, especially considering many of my close friends I met in public through unexpected casual encounters.
I eventually learned to dribble the ball into others' courts and offer them the chance to shoot it into the hoop; that would make my 13-year-old self proud.
