- On January 8, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced they were resigning as members of the royal family.
- The news shocked fans and royal commentators who said the couple’s move would change the royal family forever.
- At the same time, their decision could act as a positive example for commoner couples everywhere, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab told Insider, since their actions illustrate family boundary setting.
- For anyone trying to set family boundaries, Tawwab said it’s important to be direct and unapologetic about what you want.
- Visit Insider’s homepage for more.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle shocked the world on January 8 when they announced they were resigning as members of the royal family.
The couple said this transition would also include them becoming financially independent from the Queen and splitting time between the United Kingdom and a location in North America, like Canada or Los Angeles, although the exact location has yet to be decided.
“We intend to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family and work to become financially independent, while continuing to fully support Her Majesty The Queen,” the couple said in a statement last week.
Royal commentators said the couple’s move would change the royal family forever.
"It's a laser-guided 'commoner' missile to the heart of the legacy of the monarchy, eroding their soft power positioning and royal relevance in the minds of a modern generation of followers," Eric Schiffer, an expert on celebrity brand management, previously told Insider.
"Revolutionizing history means destroying core family values, which splinters the citizen connection," Schiffer added. "Running from the bloodline responsibilities won't recover a reputation but rather ruin it."
But therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab told Insider Harry and Markle's decision could actually act as a positive example of family boundary-setting, or the literal and figurative limits a person creates in their relationships to preserve their mental health, for commoner couples.
"When I saw this story, I was really excited because I often talk about how it's important to create the life you want," Tawwab said. "Seeing this was monumental."
It's normal and healthy to set boundaries with family members
Although Harry and Markle are breaking away in a very public way that goes against the royal family's traditions, for people who aren't in the limelight, setting boundaries with your family is a natural part of growing into an adult, Tawwab said.
It can include actions like physically moving away from family, setting aside alone time away from family to recharge, refusing to discuss certain topics with others that make you uncomfortable, or asking a family member to stop offering unsolicited advice, according to Psych Central.
"Separation gives us the ability to live a life you're proud of and happy with," Tawwab said.
For non-royals, this process typically happens for young adults heading off to college or moving out of the house for the first time, Tawwab said. Then, a young adult gets the chance to live by their own rules, which allows them to establish themself as an individual.
According to Tawwab, it's possible Harry is only going through this change now because he didn't have the opportunity when he was young adult.
Now that he's married to Markle - a woman who went to college away from her family, already has existing family boundaries, and comes from another culture - it's possible he realized he hasn't been living the life he truly wants.
Markle "could serve as an inspiration for him to be a version of himself he's more happy with," Tawwab said.
Additionally, Markle and Harry's decision, although more public than that of a commoner, mimics what other married couples may go through as they create new traditions for their own families.
When the royal couple announced they'd be splitting their time between California and the UK for the holidays, for example, they were met with backlash. But Tawwab said their decision to do what felt right for them was ultimately more healthy than following tradition for tradition's sake.
"A lot of family-boundary setting happens as a result of getting to know your own likes and preferences," Tawwab said. "If you don't negotiate your boundaries, it's possible you'll end up anxious, depressed, or resentful because you're living a life you don't want to live. To truly be happy, you have to step outside" family tradition, and setting boundaries allows that to happen.
There are potential downsides to setting boundaries
Although setting boundaries with family is done to foster personal happiness, the process of boundary-setting can be difficult and lead to tension among family members.
"Family members might respond by pushing back, ignoring your boundaries, or refusing to respect your boundaries in some other way. Also, your family could be so offended that is causes damage to the relationship," Tawwab said.
When a parent or elder family member is offended by their child's choice to set boundaries, that usually stems from an unconscious want for that elder to have family members who are more like them. When they realize the child of the family would prefer to break tradition and do their own thing, it can be uncomfortable, according to Tawwab.
If this happens, Tawwab said it's important to remember that it's not the boundary setter's job to manage family members' reactions.
Those feelings of tension also tend to dissipate when family members realize the boundaries were created for personal mental health reasons, and that setting boundaries doesn't mean a person is shunning their family.
Rather, it means a person gets to develop a personal sense of self that they can share with their family once they're back together visiting for holidays or other reasons.
To set boundaries, it's important to be direct
According to Tawaab, it's possible that Markle and Harry decided to announce their decision publicly, rather than telling the Queen first, because they felt their boundaries were already being ignored.
"You can try setting boundaries in a gentle way, but if they're not well-received you may have to up your boundaries by doing the thing you've been talking about doing."
For anyone trying to set family boundaries, Tawwab said it's important to be direct and unapologetic about what you want.
"Don't provide lengthy explanations and try to stick to simply stating your boundary," she said, adding that boundary setters should avoid getting aggressive with name-calling or yelling since it will make the situation more difficult to navigate in the future.
And for anyone who is worried that setting boundaries will alienate their family forever, Tawwab said time can repair negative feelings.
"Creating the life you want might piss some people off in the process, but eventually most families come back together," she said. "You've likely done uncomfortable things before that caused tension and you got through those. Setting boundaries is just that in another version of that."
Read more:
- Racism in the British media may have been a driving force behind Meghan Markle's 'step back' from the royal family
- The 18 biggest scandals of the British royal family
- The parallels between Prince Harry and his great-granduncle Edward VIII, who left the British throne for an American divorcée, go far beyond their wives